Noong bata pa lamang sya, di nya sinanay ang kanyang sarili sa mga kadalasang ginagawa ng mga bata. Di siya nakalaro ng patintero, jackstones, sipa, ni simpleng habulan, di nya kayang gawin.

Sino ba sya? Walang iba kundi ako.

Oo, di ako nakaranas na maglaro ng mga ganun. Wala naman akong kalaro at di ako lumalabas ng bahay. Ang tanging inaasahan kong pampalipas oras noong ako'y bata pa lamang ay ang aking mga manika at ang mga iba't-ibang gamit sa bahay. Lahat na ng make-up ni mama aking ginalaw, lahat na ng kasangkapan sa kusina aking ginamit, lahat na ng libro aking binasa. Minsan pa nga ay pinagsasabihan na ako na maglaro nalang sa labas. Matigas din ang ulo ko, binalewala ko lang ang sinasabi nila. Ayoko ngang magpakapagod at mapawisan.

Pero importante rin pala ang sinabi nila. Importante pala na, kahit konte ay maranasan kong maglaro at mapawisan.

Di ko na maibabalik ang ilang taong pagkulong ko sa bahay. Ngayon ko lang nasisi ang sarili ko dahil sa wala akong nalikom na istorya. Ako'y naiinggit tuwing nagkukuwentuhan ng mga larong di ko naman alam kung ano. Pagdating ng panahon, ayoko rin naman na wala akong maikuwento sa aking mga anak tungkol sa pagkabata ko.

Totoo nga pala ang "second childhood". Ito'y aking nararanasan. Ngayong hayskul lang kasi ako nakaranas ng habulan, ng chinese garter, badminton at basketbol. Ngayon lang ako napagod ng dahil sa paglalaro. Kahit na ako'y napapawisan, masasabi ko na ako'y masaya. Masaya, dahil binigyan pa ako ng isang pagkakataong maging bata. May maikukuwento pa ako sa aking mga anak. May buhay pa pala sa labas ng bahay at pagpapaka-relax.

Kaya nga, di na ako masyadong natatakot tuwing ako'y pinapawisan pagkatapos ng isang laro ng chinese garter, habulan, basketbol o kahit anong trip ng aking mga kaibigan. Iniisip ko nalang na ang bawat patak ng pawis, ay nagdudulot ng sangkatutak na ligaya.

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Will power

Isn't it hard when our mind tells us to do something we don't like doing? Isn't it hard when our mind takes over our actions? Seems like we don't have a choice. Especially when our mind tells us to steal.

Kleptomaniacs are labeled as 'stealers' in the society. They can't help but steal, that's the bitter fact. Some kleptomaniacs do not know that what they're doing is bad. Their mind dictates them to steal. When they envy things that aren't theirs, as small as a pen or as big as a camera, they tend to steal it.

It's a psychological problem. I just question, Can I blame them? I know it's their "usual habit", but aren't they tired of it?

In the end, it's all about Will power. Self-control is hard to accomplish. It's hard because stealing is much easier. Instead of despising them, I want to help them. I want to help them realize that what they're doing is wrong. Stealing, regardless of the purpose and reason is wrong.

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Monday, May 21, 2007

Slime for Ogres

I really, really, really wonder... What's in that thing?

At first, I was absolutely disgusted. Its color resembles an earwax or the famous Nickelodeon slime. I don't know why people fall in line to get those stuff. Seeing it from afar made me wish that it shouldn't replace the usual sweet and sour or barbeque sauce.

After a few minutes, I got my own 'slime' as I prefer to call it. I tried it with my nuggets and realized that the 'slime' was yummy! It goes well with the nuggets. It's called 'honey mustard sauce'. The Shrek 3 meal is a must-try. It really made me feel like an Ogre. I feel like Fiona after eating it.

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We're..er-They're playing Basketball

An ordinary day turned out to be a very tiring day.

Grace came at my house and looked surprised. She said, 'Tara na, we will be late for our training!'

Only to realize that she was talking about the basketball training. So, I dressed up in my jersey thinking that somehow, the training would result to losing the extra pounds I gained.

Not! The training was suicide. Not only suicide, deadly passes, defense exercises, and most of all, humiliating myself. I am an amateur, unskillful of the sport. Three hours, no water break? Is Sir/Coach Anyong crazy? He was quite shocked seeing me in the training- I'm shocked seeing myself in the training too.

According to him, basketball isn't just about losing weight, or.. Boys. In order to get to the team, you really have to want it. You should have the skills, and you should be patient in the trainings. After all, Patience is a virtue.

Reasons of joining the team?

[] You have the skills
[] You are experienced
[] You are ready for the tiring trainings
[] You are patient
[] You are joining because of Extra-cirricular activity
[X] You are joining because you want to lose weight


Whew! I've learned my lesson. Never take anything for the wrong reason and purpose.

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Sunday, May 20, 2007

Killing me softly

Last night, I can't sleep because of a very agonizing thing in my head. Well, I'm used to it since I accepted the fact that I have a migraine. Some people don't consider it as a heavy thing that can kill, but last night... It was killing me. Seriously.

I don't know how I got through the night. I didn't tell my mom because she would just say that it's my fault. Actually, it is. I have been overdosing two things that shouldn't be: Adobe and Coffee. Yes, they're the culprits.

Adobe, adobe, adobe! Everyone speaks of it, everyone is addicted to it. Did you know that Knoll Photoshop (now called, Adobe Photoshop) 1.0 can fit comfortably in a floppy disk? Aggh. Enough! I have to forget about Adobe. It makes me work all day and all night.

And Oh, Coffee. I'm fifteen but I drink a lot of Coffee. And I mean, a lot. I just love it so much and I thought that it's the only thing that keeps me sane. I was wrong, obviously. I learned that caffeine shortens my life. I realized that eventhough it can keep me awake, It cannot replace the hours of sleep I missed.

Never again will I entrust my leisure in these two. Never again.

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Saturday, May 19, 2007

Letting go isn't just for lovers

I am now watching PBB, and I felt sympathy for Gee-ann. Not that she's crying for her fifteen-year-old doll, but about the choice she has to make. She has to give away 'Pamela', her doll to someone. I know that other people can't understand why it's hard for her to give away that doll, but I understand her.

There are things that people will value more than anything in their life, it maybe anything. Even if it's destroyed, damaged, out-of-date or whatsoever, it still means much to them. Like Gee ann's doll, it means much to her.

It reminds me of my toys I had back then. Especially my fuzzy teddy bears.

Every christmas, we always have to give toys for the children in Lola's church. Even if I don't like to give anything, I still manage to fake a smile and say 'Merry Christmas' to the church officials. But inside, it's hard to give something that I had just like that. Just by giving a box full of toys. I agree that there's much more to life than holding on to toys. But I can't replace the memories that I spent with those stuff. Nakaka-miss.

When I think about those toys, I just smile. I smile knowing that those toys are probably bringing smiles and laughs to other people. I smile because I know that through the mundane stuff, I can somehow, learn a lesson. And that is letting go.

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Cluttered

My cluttered desk.

Did you get what you prayed for? Book- To remind me that God works in mysterious ways. Whether or not I will get what I pray for, he has the best plans for me. He works in ways I never would've imagined. To remind me that he can say yes or no, I just have to trust in Him.

Other books - I don't know where to start. Everytime I scan those books, I still think about my ambitious desires and still ponder to myself, 'Can I really do this? Can I?' I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not. It's hard to stay positive.

Lipstick - The weapon of the future! Truth to be told: My mom uses lipstick whenever she gets zits. She ends up looking like a clown at night. I started to see how helpful it was, so I ended up looking like a clown myself, but it's really helpful.

Other stuff - Eventhough I'm so bored, and there's nothing to do, I don't know why I can't organize my room.

Pardon the cluttered post.

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Havaianas craze

I was astounded when my mom bought different pairs of Havaianas. I'm not a big fan of it though. I also thought that my mom didn't like Havaianas. I remember her still saying that she won't buy any pair because she finds it too expensive.

I have to agree with her. It's a mere flip flop, and summer is almost over. I can't wear it to school, and it's too valuable to wear it at home. I felt guilty for my mom. I felt guilty for her buying pairs and pairs of Havaianas- and it's not just a cheap find.

I saw the havaianas, just looking at them made my eyes hurt! I can't believe that they cost a fortune. Then I started to try one pair, then another, then another... Oh my! It gets addictive. I guess that's why people can't resist it.

Haayy. I hope that my craze for havaianas won't get worse.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

For the sake of my fame

I have seen a clip on YouTube, it's a Parody of a Hilary Duff music video. It was originally aired on MadTV. They made a pretend video of Hilary Duff's "Beat of my heart", they changed the title into, "For the sake of my fame." Eventhough the video is quite senseless, it speaks the truth. It's all about the Hollywood drama, about getting thin, etc. I guess it's their way of saying that their 'madness' has gone too far.

(For the sake of my fame)

I'm obsessing about what goes in my mouth,

I got really thin, so now my bones stick out,

you have to believe in the hollywood scene,

you have to weigh less than those other teen queens,

my bones have no meat,

here look at my chest you can see my heart beat,

if I keep this up, my organs will shut.

It's for the sake of my fame.

Tabloids put you to shame, for every pound that you gain,

and it's hard to stay sane, when you're starving your brain,

Paris Hilton's so thin, that's the look that is in,

who cares about brains, when you're a blonde skeleton?

have you seen lindsay? She's a size minus three.

She'll fill out her pants (...and Nicole Richie)

My dinner is sick.

Is my mouth getting small or my teeth getting big?

I weigh, I weigh, everyday.

For the sake of my, for the sake of my, for the sake of my fame.

Funny, yet alarming.

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Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Tastes like heaven

It surprises me how characters with small roles in movies/series can teach me something. Like Brad, a former football player who became very weak because of Aids. I have finished the koreanovela 'Love story in Harvard' in a span of two months- without skipping, that is. And Brad, who isn't really part of the main cast, touched me. He kept me thinking about what he said. 'Water, tastes like heaven.'

When he was asked what he wanted, he just replied, "Water. Tastes like heaven, after every game." I began to wonder, why would he compare water to heaven? I mean, I drink lots of water everyday, and still find myself wondering... Is this heaven? I expected more than this, I admitted.

I don't feel the magic Brad feels.

But as I started to think deeply, I found the meaning behind his words. We may find simple things, ordinary- we do not find its importance because we are too blinded by the glitz around us. Just after the glitz- the pain, and the trouble do we find that all we needed were the simplest things. Like the water.

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Tuesday, May 15, 2007

a message from the heart

Dear Brain,

At one point of your life, you seemed to be so happy. So happy about what you have achieved, what you have wanted for a long time. You were so happy because you did your best, and it all paid off. Suddenly, you started to think again. You started to look at what other people have. You started to compare their achievements to yours'. They sure did a better job, did they? They made you feel so small. You were jealous of what they have. You want it, you want to have more and more until you reach the top. You started to hate yourself because you can't be good enough, and you can't have all. Suddenly, all the happiness that you felt, disappeared. All the things that you did, seemed worthless. You let other people get in your way- and you strive to be on top not because you want to, but because you have to. You think that you're always right. You think you know it all. But, trust me... You don't know it all. You think too much.

You were wrong to feel hate towards yourself. You were wrong to let jealousy rule over you. You were wrong to assume that others are better than yourself. Remember, you aren't the only one who rule a body. There are other systems that support you. So, how could you belittle yourself? In our own world, we think that you're the best. God put you on top of us, so don't feel down. Listen to yourself, think about your real purpose. That is, to assign us what to do and be the best in your own standards, not on others'. Most of all, don't forget to listen to me. Try to listen to me.

Lovingly,
Heart a.k.a. Your greatest fan.

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Sunday, May 13, 2007

Be like mike, or his' brother

I have known Michael Jordan as a basketball star. The world knows Michael Jordan as a basketball star. We look up to him in his' basketball days because he is simply, the best. He knows his moves on the court. I see him as one of the greatest ballers of all time, who brought his team to glory. What I didn't know is that he has a brother, Sgt. James Jordan, who headed off to Iraq for a special mission.

He loves his job, and he has dedicated his life in the army. He has his own way of making his own name. He said, "If you don't believe in selfless service, you are not going to make it in this business."

Personally, I think that James Jordan is a great example of how, despite of the popularity his brother bought to their last names, we could do something in our own way. We all have a mission to accomplish.

So, are you going to be Like Mike... Or Like his' brother?

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A silent thought

May 11, 2007 [Friday]
Seattle University, Washington

I recieved a mail from Seattle University last friday, regarding my application in their University. I was surprised since I didn't apply or sign up any application. For goodness sake, i'm still not ready! My mom e-mailed the University about the mail I have received.

It seems that I'm destined to have a fast-forward life. Still, I'm not ready. I'm not even ready for my senior life. Reality check!

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Long live Audrey

From the moment I first saw her at 'Breakfast at Tiffany's', I knew she would be my favorite fashion icon. She's elegant, yet very simple in appearance. Her signature look, the classy black dress- is still very popular. These are her very practical beauty tips that never fail to work:

For attractive lips, Speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, Seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, Share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, Let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, Walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed;

Never throw out anybody.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, The figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, Because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows, And the beauty of a woman with passing years-only grows!

She is also a dedicated to UNICEF, and she has established a children's fund: http://www.audreyhepburn.com/

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Saturday, May 12, 2007

Ma, Mommy, Mamita

Tommorow would be a day for all Moms in the world. A day for my mom-mama-mommy-mamita, or whatever I call her. I still remember upto this day about our class' homeroom activity. We have to prepare a message for our moms written in a piece of paper. Ma'am Cindy (our adviser), would give it to them on the distribution of report cards' day.

I wrote: 'Mama... Hello.'

Wow. What a message! I don't know what to write and say. But, I guess she understands me. I have been like that to her, speechless. Haha!

I look at her young pictures, seeing my own reflection. All people say that I'm her 'carbon copy'. They say she looked like me when she was at my age, and often, elders mistaken me for her.

For my mom who didn't allow me to have a sleepover at my prom, for my mom who makes endless and long sermons everytime I make a mess, for my mom who complains about my poor taste in clothes, for the mom who always tells me I'm 'maarte', for my mom who complains about my being too 'bungisngis', for my mom who shops more than I do but never sees it, happy mother's day!

...And for all the moms in the world, a happy mother's day to all of you too.

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Halalan 2007

I am not one of those activists who rally on the streets, demanding for a change, thinking of the unjust crimes that they were victimized thereof. I'm just deeply annoyed by the campaign posters around the walls and the flyers sattered along the streets.

When I got out of the house, a certain kid caught my attention. He had a hammer and a campaign poster, and probably, a nail too. Yes, he did what I thought he would never do. He found the peaceful tree, and nailed the poster. Isn't that illegal? I actually felt pity for the kid, because they used him, without teaching him what is wrong and what is right.

This is not my first time to hear stories about Philippine Elections. A year ago, someone told me his' election experience. A strange looking person approached him, and was trying to buy his vote... It's a pity to hear what a cadidate would do to win.

After the elections, who would dare clean up this mess? Those walls plagued with posters?

There are lots of talk shows, documentaries, and other things that convince us to vote and how we waste our votes by not voting at all. Tsk. I just hope that the newly elected senators would do something. It's not upto the hands of those who vote, but rather to the ones who will be elected.

(Ako si Gabriella Silang, kaya huwag na kayong magtaka kung bakit ako nakasulat nito. Haha.)

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Thursday, May 10, 2007

burned-out

I have been reading a lot of books lately, especially educational books. I'm so sick and tired of reading them, but it's a requirement. I don't know why a very unusual book came across my room. It's a book of written reflections and realizations of a burned-out survivor, 'When God tells you to rest'. Since I was feeling bored and tired, I checked it out. What I didn't know is that, I am a burned-out patient myself.

There are symptoms of being burned-out. Feeling tired, depressed and giving up- are examples. I feel those symptoms each and every day. It's summer, but I'm not having fun. I still have five books to study! Sometimes, I just want to give up and ask myself why the hell am I doing those things. These past few days, I have wondered how easy it is for other people to be on top, and how hard it is for me to get there. I'm feeling so dumb that I can't accomplish anything. That everything I do, isn't worth doing.

Stress -> Depression -> Burn-out

I am sorry to turn this post into a bundle of complaints and drama. It's just that I've been somewhat traumatuzed of a particular incident that happened recently. It made me feel so stupid. I felt so angry at myself because of that. They thought that I would do better. But I failed to show them my best. That's why I'm feeling down. I have the feeling of losing everything I earned. Burned-out.

The author of the book is Flor Ulan-Taylor. I think she's like Julia Campbell, because she's a volunteer and has stayed in the Philippines. She says, 'I have thought that taking refugee is hiding from all my problems. But I have found the real refugee in God.'

Sigh. I hope someday I can get something from all of these sacrifices I have to do.

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Sunday, May 06, 2007

dreams or signs?

Are dreams meant to tell us something? Are those signs?

I have been dreaming weird things lately. Surreal things. It's like hidden messages, signs. I never thought of it that way before. I thought of dreams as nothing more than mere hallucinations. I thought that they were secret wishes that I want to accomplish and I want to have. Just these nights, I realized its true meaning and what it wants me to do.

These weird dreams keep bothering me everyday. I just want to say it all out. I want to share it to my mom, my friends, and to everyone who's involved. It's hard keeping it all inside, but I'm trying. I think that dreams should be kept secret until it comes true.

You see things;

and you say, "Why?"

But I dream things that never were;

and I say, "Why not?"

- James Bernard Shaw

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Thursday, May 03, 2007

Thank God for the ugly photos

I was looking at these pictures, browsing them to my multiply account and I can't believe how hideous they look. These pictures have been the ugliest, most barbaric, shots in my life. I look so stupid in the pictures: The first one, was taken by Adet- while Grace was... er- painting (?) my face. The second one was taken at chinese new year, we were posing our 'handsome' look. And the last picture, was taken at Paradise while we were sunbathing.

It's not a photo that I would want to upload in my friendster or myspace. Even if they are not the model-material pictures, even if I'm not a model-material person, years from now, when I will reminisce the moments of my life looking in these pictures, I would proudly say, "That's me!" because even how ugly they look, it never fails to bring me to the good times.

Deleting it is the last thing that I would do. It's probably true that the ugliest photos are taken in the best moments of your life. The ugliest photos are the truest moments of my life. It's fun taking ugly photos sometimes. I know it sound weird, but it never fails to crack me up.

Sigh. I surely miss these moments. These are the few of my happiest captured moments. Ugly as they are, they never fail to make me smile whenever I see them.. Thank God for ugly photos.

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Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Learning from Spiderman

I've always liked Spiderman. I watched its third installment this afternoon with Mami Chay and Darron. I was caught in the Spiderman craze and found myself loving the movie. It's not just because James Franco (a.k.a. Harry Osborn) was uberly hot, but also because of the lesson I got from the movie. Even if it was an action movie, it still taught me a thing or two.

When Peter Parker was so angry at his' Uncle Ben's killer, auntie May calmed him down saying: "He doesn't want us to live with revenge in our hearts. Like a poison, it can take us over." - The most cliched line, where I always hear it on everyone's mouth.

But it's not that easy to forgive and forget is it? Even if it's a fictional story, it has a message that we ought to realize. I am going to a lot of problems as of this moment, and I want to get back to the people who have caused all my pains- until I saw the movie.

For me, the black thing in the movie sort of symbolized the revenge that we want. It can feel good at the beginning, but it will only damage our life. It can take over us, but we never realize it. When we try to get rid of it, it mybe too late.

As Peter Parker said, we all have choices. And we can choose to be right. A proverb not to be forgotten: Forgiveness is the sweetest revenge.

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